USA. After 150 years of peace, it seems America is about to start another Civil War. The American Civil War, also known as the War between the States or simply the Civil War, was a civil war fought from 1861 to 1865 between the United States (the “Union” or the “North”) and several Southern slave states that declared their secession and formed the Confederate States of America (the “Confederacy” or the “South”)
Last month, the US senate opened a gun control debate. The bipartisan move marks the most serious consideration of gun control legislation in 19 years. After a proposal to expand criminal background checks on gun buyers was made, things went south.
James Porter, the new president of the National Rifle Association, whose father was NRA president has convinced members at the NRA convention that President Barack Obama was seeking to kill the Second Amendment and even went as far as calling him a “fake president.” A unanimous decision was reached to go to war with any state that tries to take away their right to bear arms.
The Southern states have already established military funding from the LeQuint Dickey Mining Co. and are prepared for war. This could be the beginning of America’s second civil war, or the “War of Northern Aggression” as it’s known in the South.
- The Daily Informant.
World. People everywhere, are celebrating as news pours in from around the world of possible world peace. President Obama confirmed that he’ll be withdrawing the troops from Afghanistan and bringing them home just in time for the beginning of Season 3 of a Game of Thrones. He said, “This is not the time for war; this is the time for watching fictional wars between delusional people who all think they have a claim to the throne.”
Elsewhere, protesters in Egypt, who have been opposed to President Mohamed Morsi’s rule, have agreed to stop protesting saying, “There is no time to protest, I don’t want to miss a single episode, but protests will continue as soon as season 3 ends.”
Surprisingly, even North Korea has agreed to stop building nuclear weapons. Jon Un of the House Kim, the First of his Name, King of the Mongols and the Khitan, Lord of the Seven Nuclear Missiles and Protector of North Korea had this to say, “I see a lot of myself in the boy king, Joffrey Baratheon, he would do well as Supreme Leader of North Korea.
When asked to comment on the sudden call for world peace, the author of the acclaimed series, George R. R. Martin had this to say, “This is the main reason I wrote the books. I create wars in a fake world to keep you entertained thus preventing you from starting wars in the real world.”
In other news, incest is on the rise. Researchers are unsure how this is related to the Game of Thrones TV series but said, “We have noticed an increase in cases of incest around the same time the show started, but it’s still unclear if it’s related, it could just be a coincidence.”
We’ll be bringing you more on the war of the seven kingdoms, the death of your favorite characters and the end of this fictional world as we know it.
- The Daily Informant.
Las Vegas. During a friendly game of numbers; a game played by people using dice which involves guessing a number from one to six; an all-out battle ensued leaving one dead.
According to other participants of the game, a fight broke out after 6 found out that 7 ate 9.
7’s younger brother 6, was not too happy about this, and confronted 7, which, according to reliable sources, is what started the fight.
Other numbers tried to stop the fight, but by the time they got involved it was too late. 7 died on his way to hospital from a gunshot wound to the chest. 6 was later arrested at a nearby casino for the murder of his older brother, 7.
What remains a mystery now, is where 7 got his cannibalistic tendency from. We will be bringing you more on the drama as the story unfolds. 6 is due to appear in court on Monday.
- The Daily Informant
London. After an astounding victory at the 2087 Soft Drink Olympics, rumors were started claiming Coke was using drugs during the event.
Last night, after being examined by Dr Pepper, a former Olympic gold medal winner, it was confirmed that Coke was indeed using cocaine during the event. Coke’s sponsors have declined to comment saying they are investigating the incident.
Pepsi, a long-time rival of Coke, had this to say after the announcement, “I’m glad he finally got caught, he has treated this event with nothing but disrespect. Mountain Dew and I will finally get a chance to shine.”
Officials at the Olympics said they will be taking away all 12 gold medals that Coke has won and disqualifying him from all future events. His wife, Vanilla Coke, was saddened by the news and promised to stand by her husband no matter what. His son, Diet Coke, will be taking his place at all future games.
Now that the Olympics are over, the Soft Drink Paralympics, sponsored by SodaStream, will start in the next few months, with Diet Orange Soda a fan favorite to win.
In other news, the Beer Olympics were postponed after all the participants showed up drunk to the event.
- The Daily Informant
Hollywood. Three days after a recent fight with her boyfriend, Harry Styles, Taylor Swift has finally decided to come out of the closet.
It all started when Harry was caught flirting with Taylor Swift’s best friend, Selena Gomez. Taylor found numerous pictures and text messages on his phone. That’s when she decided to lock herself in her closet.
According to sources close to the couple, Taylor spent three days in the closet, listening to R-Kelly’s song “Trapped in the closet” refusing to come out. Her mom then called the fire department, but even they were unable to get her out. Finally after three days of drama and listening to R-Kelly, she finally decided to come out of the closet.
Her whole family is relieved the ordeal is finally over, saying, “We’re just glad to get her back. We didn’t know how much longer we could take listening to R-Kelly.” When asked to comment on the ordeal, Taylor only had three words to say; “I’m a lesbian.”
- The Daily Informant
Las Vegas. It has just been announced, via CNN, that The Daily Informant has been nominated for The Liebster Award by Jodi Lea. The Liebster Award is given to up and coming bloggers who have less than 200 followers, it’s also a great way to discover up and coming bloggers.
After the media announced the nomination, cats around the world staged mass suicides to protest the nomination. One cat, known only as, Mr Fuzzy Bottoms uploaded a video on YouTube of the catastrophe.
Here is the link. PLEASE NOTE THAT THE FOLLOWING CONTENT CONTAINS GRAPHIC SCENES OF VIOLENCE AND IS NOT FOR THE FAINT-HEARTED.
After being hunted down by the press for a statement, the cats finally held a press conference late last night at Mr Fuzzy Bottoms house and they had this to say:
According to the rules, upon receiving the nomination you are required to do the following:
- Thank the blogger who nominated you.
- Tell 11 things about yourself.
- Answer the 11 questions asked by the person who nominated you.
- Nominate 11 new bloggers
- Ask 11 questions to the bloggers you nominated
- Inform the bloggers you choose.
This was The Daily Informant’s response:
11 Things You Wish You Didn’t Know About Me:
- As a child, I watched Pinky and the Brain a lot. I studied all their mistakes, I will not make the same mistakes!
- I use commas a lot, that’s, just the way I speak, so, that’s how I write.
- I already have a plan of action for when I take over the world, and when that day comes, the Gods themselves couldn’t save you!
- I love cats. Not because they’re cute and cuddly. But because they don’t seem to love you as much as you love them.
- I’m the one who made that weird sound you heard in bed last night. Good luck sleeping tonight!
- I’m afraid of spiders, but then again, who isn’t?
- I’ve changed career paths more than I’d like to admit. Everything from astronaut to engineer to gourmet chef.
- I once won a Nobel peace prize but they took it back when I made a joke about invading Canada.
- If there were Procrastination Awards, I’d win a gold medal. Few people can really appreciate what an art procrastination is.
- I sleep during the day, and stay up all night.
- When I was 5 years old, I wanted to be an astronaut. But then I read this book:
11 Questions Asked by Jodi Lea From Jodi Lea’s Place:
Q. As a kid (or older) when you pretended to be someone else, who were you and why did you want to be them?
A. Tarzan. I loved that feeling of freedom Tarzan had when he was swinging through the trees.
Q. Have you had your “15-minutes of fame” yet? How did it happen? (If it hasn’t happened, how would you like it to happen?)
A. No. I would like to prevent the assassination of the president.
Q. If you could change one thing about your personality – what would it be and why?
A. I’m not sure. People don’t really come out and tell you that they don’t like something about you, so it’s really hard to know what people don’t like about you.
Q. What was the last novel you read? Would you recommend it?
Q. Who was/is your favorite teacher, and why?
A. My Biology teacher. She saw potential in me.
Q. Besides writing, tell us about one of your other talents.
A. I can go for days without eating, and not even get hungry. That might not be a talent now, but try getting stuck in the middle of the desert with me and we’ll see who’s talented.
Q. Where were you when President Kennedy was shot?
A. President Kennedy was shot in 1963! How old do you think I am?
Q. You wrote a novel about your life growing up, and now Hollywood is making a movie based on that novel. Which actor/actress would you want to play you, and why?
A. Tom Hardy. I need to look good in the movie.
Q. What was your favorite TV show when you were in grade school? What about now?
Q. What are your top 3 pet peeves?
- People who talk during a movie. Just shut the F**k up!
- Waiting in long lines.
- Ignorant people.
Q. Do you like your first name? If not, what would you change it to?
A. No! I’d change it to Snake. Now that’s a bad-ass name!
And the blogs nominated by The Daily Informant are:
- The Daily Grind
- Ocean of Thought
- The Great American Memoir
- The Universe and Me
- Simply drawing life…
- Love at First Book
- My Last Year of Childhood
- Bond Girl Goes To Heaven
- The Lifestyle of Art…
- Just East Of Eden
Here are the 11 questions for the nominees:
- Who or what inspires you and why?
- Whats your favorite movie and favorite TV series.
- You have the choice to live with a gorilla who knows sign language or a dog who sings lullabies, which do you choose? Why?
- You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?
- What’s the longest you’ve gone without taking a bath?
- If you were the opposite sex for one day, what would you do?
- You have the opportunity to sleep with the any celebrity of your choice. Who would it be and why?
- Would you rather fight 100 duck-sized horses or one horse-sized duck?
- If you knew today was your last day on Earth, how would you spend it and why?
- If you could be any animal in the world, what animal would you be and why?
- The Angel Of Death has descended upon you. Fortunately, the Angel Of Death is pretty cool and in a good mood, and offers you a half-hour to do whatever you want before you die. What do you do in that half-hour?
Kentucky. After years of searching for the flying one-legged dinosaur, archaeologists from the WE HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO SOCIETY have accidentally discovered Colonel Sanders’ secret recipe which was located in a secret basement in Louisville, Kentucky.
The secret basement was said to contain the secret recipe for the Colonels’ 11 herbs and spices. After digging through the artifacts they found KFC’s “Holy Grail”; all 11 herbs and spices. They have not publicly released the recipe, but according to a reliable sauce source there’s allegedly a secret 12th spice. News of this mysterious 12th spice has sent the world into a panic prompting the Pope to release a public statement saying “There is no need to panic, the church has known about the 12th spice for years.”
Another rather disturbing discovery was made later that day. A large number of photographs and home-made videos were found in a secret compartment in the basement; of what appeared to be chicken porn. There were pictures of some finger lickin’ good chicken thighs, chicken breasts and legs. The age of the chickens has not been confirmed yet, but they appear to be very young; sparking rumors that the Colonel might have been a pedophile.
For years it was suspected that he fathered Chicky, KFC’s famous children’s mascot, due to the uncanny resemblance, it is not known how many mutant chickens he’d fathered. At the time of writing, Chicky was not available for comment.
The archaeologists have vowed to continue their search for the obviously non-existent flying one-legged dinosaur claiming, “This will be one of the most important discoveries in history, as no one has yet discovered a disabled dinosaur.
- The Daily Informant
Washington DC – The United States presidential election of November 6th, 2012 ended as quickly as it began with current president Barack Obama winning himself another four years in the white house. Millions of Americans and people across the globe wondered what the future would hold for the US as they watched Obama’s electoral votes climb past 270 points, the amount needed for a victory.
By the following day Americans interest in Obama’s re-election had wained and now their wondering, “Whats next?” A new president will not take residence in the White House for another four years, and already potential candidates are coming forward with their interest in campaigning for the 2016 election.
Speculations of Paul Ryan and the more controversial, business mogul, Donald Trump running for the republican party have been circulating for awhile, but what about the Democrats? Andre Romelle Young, more commonly known by his stage name Dr. Dre, revealed to the press in an interview Monday that he plans to run for the presidential spot in 2016 as a Democrat.
The political world was taken back by such a claim, and even more so by what President Barack Obama said when asked for his opinion on Mr. Young. Obama told reporters that “The value of any man or women’s ideas cannot be judged on a person’s past or career, but should be judged by the integrity and content of their political views.” No republicans would comment on the situation
In Mr. Young’s press release he revealed to the public a few issues that would be addressed if he is elected as commander in chief. Among those discussed were reparations, marijuana legalization, and a radical new take on law enforcement has had the media buzzing with controversy.
Andre Young defended his stance on reparations stating that, “Every muthafucka needs a new Cadillac.” Furthermore when asked where he stood on the issue of marijuana prohibition he calmly replied, “Dre didn’t make millions by talkin’ shit on weed, and America won’t either.” He added, “The more green we grow, the bigger the dough.” Mr. Young gave few details regarding his plan to reform law enforcement, his only comment on the subject was abstract at best, saying “More crops, less cops.”
Just before the press release ended Young responded to his critics, who asked how a man with absolutely no political experience could run the country. His response, “Trillions of dollars in national debt, that’s political experience.”
The future of America is uncertain. What will the next four years hold in store for a falling empire? Will Obama salvage a wrecked country, or will “The Doctor” come to mend our wounds? The answers will come in time, but for now Andre Young believes putting Dr. Dre in the White House “Ain’t nothing but a Good Thang!”
- The Daily Informant
Las Vegas – A huge fight broke out between the Easter Bunny and his arch enemy Bugs Bunny late last night at a 5-star restaurant at Caesars Palace.
It was rumored that the altercation started after Bugs Bunny called the Easter Bunny a fraud.
This is the third time this year that Bugs has been in trouble with the law. Earlier this year he was caught shoplifting carrots at Walmart.
In recent years, a lot of people have been angered by the Easter Bunny getting the most attention during the Easter holidays. The holiday is supposed to celebrate the resurrection of Jesus Christ instead people paint eggs and hide them in the garden.
According to the Easter Bunny’s website, he’ll be going on tour during the Easter holidays performing some of his favorite songs. There has been talks about Jesus making a Guest appearance but it hasn’t been confirmed yet.
The Easter Bunny has been all over the news recently after an anonymous source claimed that Russell Brand is the Easter Bunny.
He was also booed off stage after claiming that he could lay Easter eggs. In an interview with MTV he dispelled the rumors saying ” Warner Brothers is making a movie about my life and I asked Russell to play me in the movie.”
We’ll keep you updating on this story during the Easter Holidays. Stay safe during the holidays.
- The Daily Informant
Mushroom Kingdom – Earlier today Super Mario was arrested by the Mushroom Kingdom Police Department as he was leaving Bowser’s Castle. When approached for comment, the MKPD confirmed Mario’s arrested but declined to say what the charges were.
This is the second time the Italian plumber has been arrested this year. Earlier this year he was arrested at a routine roadblock when police found 99 gold coins in his possession.
This time however, its a lot more serious. According to a reliable source, this time the charges are as follows:
- Damage to public property. (Smashing bricks with his head)
- Possession and consumption of narcotics. ( Mushrooms are drugs)
- Killing of endangered species. (Those turtles he stepped on are almost extinct)
- Trespassing on private property. (Bowser has complained many times about him)
- Assault with intent to do grievous bodily harm ( He attacked Bowser)
- Arson. (He has been known to throw balls of fire)
My sources also reveal that the Princess has filed a restraining order against Mario.When asked to comment, Mario denied all charges saying that he was “just trying to save the princess.” Bowser, however, had a lot more to say.
According to Bowser, Mario had entered his castles on numerous occasions.He would then beat up the guards, destroy the flowers and throw balls of fire at Bowser. Mario’s actions eventually forced Bowser to release a public statement saying “I have no fucking idea where the princess is!”
Mario is due in court on Friday. We will bring you more on this story as soon as we make it up.- The Daily Informant